Ramblings.

I suppose I'm going to write about... emotions. Feelings. Thoughts. People. Myself, and others. The way the world seems to me.

-x-

I've noticed a perturbing pattern - a slight double standard, if you like. I don't. It bothers me that I'm criticizing people for something that I feel I do. At any rate, the pattern. I personally cannot tell when people are joking. Almost every time I assume they are, they're not, and so I decided it was safer to treat every statement like it's serious unless I'm uncomfortable, in which case I play it off as a joke. But. People get irritated when I take their joking statements seriously, or at least they try to explain how to tell when they're joking. So why is it that when *I* try to make a joke or tease someone, they fly off the handle at me?

It's frustrating. I try to gently tease a friend and they wind up mad at me. But when people tease ME and I get upset, they get defensive and all "WTF it was a JOKE" at me and then I guilt and apologize.

Am I doomed to be the one apologizing in every altercation?

And all my friends yell at me for apologizing. I'm confused and slightly hurt - I don't like making my friends mad at me, and I don't know how to fix it.

-x-

On a slightly related note, I've been noticing another pattern. The people I feel I'm closest to - friends I talk to frequently, family - seem to have an incredibly short fuse where I'm concerned. My sister acts irrationally, I get even SLIGHTLY bristly, and my mom flips - at me. My friends snark at me, confuse me, tell me only where I'm messing up...

In fairly vivid contrast, a brief anecdote. I work at a gym in my town, maybe a mile from my high school. Where I live, I went to a different junior high than almost everyone else at my high school, so I have contacts at both high schools. This morning, one of the people who came in for the class recognized me and chatted briefly. Turns out I went to junior high with her. I expressed my anxiety and overall uncertainty about senior year this fall and she replied that I'll be fine; I'm smart and will do just fine.

This is not the first time this has happened to me, I'll admit. I seem to have managed to leave a decent impression on people with whom I used to go to school... but you know, it still kind of startles me. I'm flattered that Maddi even remembered me - we weren't ever very close; and even more flattered that she seems to have such confidence in me.

The unwitting generosity of a near-stranger. I wonder if she knows how much that meant to me...

-x-

On a completely unrelated tangent, I seem to be afraid of falling for someone I can actually have. Whenever I start developing even vague feelings for someone, it's someone I don't know, someone I'd never stand a chance with, someone with whom I'd be doomed from the start... but at the same time, I don't crush on actors or singers or public figures or anyone like that. I firmly grasp the idea of untouchability, and I understand that movie stars are NOT their characters and that it's not healthy to pine after a fictional character. Yes, there are actors and singers and public figures I'd bend over for in a HEARTBEAT, were it just about the physical attractiveness or their looks or their voice...

I do not do relationships well. Self-doubt, insecurity, paranoia... they all eat away at me and eventually I convince myself that I feel more for him than he does for me, or vice versa, or that he's just humoring me, or that oh hey that guy's cute too... and then I end it, because I don't feel it's fair to keep acting like nothing's wrong when EVERYTHING'S wrong, and because I don't want him to get too attached to me.

When it comes to giving someone that much influence over me, I am not a stable safe person at all. None of my relationships have ended well, and they've never been ended by the other involved party.

This just occurred to me recently when I realized that I keep inventing "feelings" for people just so I can get that feeling. Luckily, the most recent person this happened with is now beyond my reach and hopefully cutting me out of their life, at least a little. It's safer that way and maybe we can go back to being friends.

-x-

I think that's about all for today... I still need to finish writing the post I was going to type on Thursday after babysitting. I might get that done by next Wednesday... *eyerolls at self*

At any rate, happy July 25th to everyone - five months till Christmas! <3

... *snuffles like a sentimental idiot*.

To all my family and friends. To all my friends who I consider family. To all the people who crawled out of the woodwork over the last... 18-ish hours.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you. <3 Thank you all. <3

I posted the link to yesterday's blog, originally, for my closer friends who know I've been seeing a counselor for emotional issues since, um, Spring Break. Like, April-ish. Just, you know, so that they would know what's coming down the pipeline. I don't like not saying things - it makes me feel like I'm deliberately withholding information and I try very hard not to do that. I also don't like advertizing things like this - it makes me feel like I'm just looking for attention and I try even HARDER not to do that.

But...

The response I got...

*sniffles more, a little choked up*

I love you guys all so much.

I can't possibly say thank you enough.

<3

More self-centered flailage.

So. Last night. I had an appointment with, as I refer to her, my "not-Megan." At my actual like body-doctor's suggestion, we've spent about the last month and a half doing testing for ADHD. Um. So. Last night. The results came back.

It's likely that I have the inattentive form of ADHD, combined with a mild form of depression called dysthymia.

I don't know what this means for now, for the future, for my relationships with any of you. I just... I needed to say it, and this was as good a way as any - better than some; this way I just type it once and give people the link. ;) <-- Me trying to make this not as scary and nervous-making as it is...

Dr Collett said that we can do several things, depending on what Dr Anderson says. We can send me to some sort of psychotherapy thing that'll teach me how to think like a normal person? I think? The dysthymia manifests itself as a lowered sense of self-worth -

Slight tangent. I don't feel like I have a lowered sense of self-worth. I just don't feel comfortable applying my standards to other people. I think that I have room for improvement; I think that it's not my place to decide that you need to improve yourself. To me, that makes sense, and I don't get why people don't understand that that's NOT lowered self-worth or whatever, that's just me.

Anyhoo. - lowered sense of self-worth, a lack of energy in general, and stuff like that. The inattentive ADHD is more common among girls, but is usually detected later...

I don't know how I should feel about this. I'm glad we have something of a potential answer for what's wrong with me, but... I'm nervous that it's not the *right* answer or that it IS all in my head after all.

>.<

FYI. I love you all no matter what. <3

Flattery, trust, and the German language.

I received a highly flattering piece of correspondence this A.M. As you may know, when I'm at work I have next to nothing to do. Therefore I lurk on Facebook and Gmail and wherever else strikes my passing fancy, for however long I'm at work.

Today, this morning, not an hour ago, I received possibly the hugest ego-boost EVAR. And I know I spelled that "hacker" style. That's to show my absolute shock at getting this message.

The only person younger than me (by a school year) (well, one of several) asked me if I'd write a story with him.

...

I KNOW. 0.0

He said he likes my writing style and it's similar to his favorite author's, and that he'd like to write with me sometime.

So.

'Flattery' addressed.

Talking to another roleplayer, this one posting as Fullmetal Alchemist's Van Hohenheim. He's fascinating - I'm teaching someone who roleplays Scar (also FMA) German (hence the German language tag) and Hohenheim asked if I'd mind teaching him as well. So he and I struck up a conversation and - voila! Another internet friend. The 'trust' heading came into play when I gave him my email address in case my overview of German basics didn't make sense. He expressed shock that I would trust a complete stranger with that; I expressed bewilderment - it's just my email address.

Heh. Anyhoo. Roleplaying with a friend now. ^_^

Friends, part 2.

Considering the vast numbers of people who read and comment on this (), I feel it only fair to re-address my Friends. post from, um, sometime last week, I think.

I believe I've gotten all my weird-ness in regards to Fraulein Hawkeye sorted out; I have gained a younger sister. But - more would be telling. ;)

Suffice to say, I believe I'm coming to terms with internet friends. <3

A brief semi-fictional interlude.

Listening to the air whistle past me, I sighed. It had happened again; just when I least expected it, I tripped on a sidelong glance, stumbled over a smile, and tumbled head-over-heels after my heart.

I sighed again. After the last time, I'd thought I'd learned my lesson: the boy I'd fallen for that time had... well, I didn't even like to think about how he'd treated me.

The air continued to whistle past my ears. I was getting a little tired of it; couldn't the ground hurry up and get here? I had other things to do, and it would take a while to piece myself back together.

Gradually I felt the warmth that signaled imminent landing. I braced myself, ready to splatter...

... and felt flesh, instead of rocks. Warm arms surrounded me, welcomed me; I heard wingbeats and felt myself carried back up, higher than I'd fallen from.

Of course they'd call it falling in love - it hurts to sprawl flat on your face, doesn't it? The initial adrenaline rush is the same. But when you're caught...

When the one you fell for catches you...

... you can let yourself fall again. And again.

They'll be there, every time.