Ramblings.

I suppose I'm going to write about... emotions. Feelings. Thoughts. People. Myself, and others. The way the world seems to me.

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I've noticed a perturbing pattern - a slight double standard, if you like. I don't. It bothers me that I'm criticizing people for something that I feel I do. At any rate, the pattern. I personally cannot tell when people are joking. Almost every time I assume they are, they're not, and so I decided it was safer to treat every statement like it's serious unless I'm uncomfortable, in which case I play it off as a joke. But. People get irritated when I take their joking statements seriously, or at least they try to explain how to tell when they're joking. So why is it that when *I* try to make a joke or tease someone, they fly off the handle at me?

It's frustrating. I try to gently tease a friend and they wind up mad at me. But when people tease ME and I get upset, they get defensive and all "WTF it was a JOKE" at me and then I guilt and apologize.

Am I doomed to be the one apologizing in every altercation?

And all my friends yell at me for apologizing. I'm confused and slightly hurt - I don't like making my friends mad at me, and I don't know how to fix it.

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On a slightly related note, I've been noticing another pattern. The people I feel I'm closest to - friends I talk to frequently, family - seem to have an incredibly short fuse where I'm concerned. My sister acts irrationally, I get even SLIGHTLY bristly, and my mom flips - at me. My friends snark at me, confuse me, tell me only where I'm messing up...

In fairly vivid contrast, a brief anecdote. I work at a gym in my town, maybe a mile from my high school. Where I live, I went to a different junior high than almost everyone else at my high school, so I have contacts at both high schools. This morning, one of the people who came in for the class recognized me and chatted briefly. Turns out I went to junior high with her. I expressed my anxiety and overall uncertainty about senior year this fall and she replied that I'll be fine; I'm smart and will do just fine.

This is not the first time this has happened to me, I'll admit. I seem to have managed to leave a decent impression on people with whom I used to go to school... but you know, it still kind of startles me. I'm flattered that Maddi even remembered me - we weren't ever very close; and even more flattered that she seems to have such confidence in me.

The unwitting generosity of a near-stranger. I wonder if she knows how much that meant to me...

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On a completely unrelated tangent, I seem to be afraid of falling for someone I can actually have. Whenever I start developing even vague feelings for someone, it's someone I don't know, someone I'd never stand a chance with, someone with whom I'd be doomed from the start... but at the same time, I don't crush on actors or singers or public figures or anyone like that. I firmly grasp the idea of untouchability, and I understand that movie stars are NOT their characters and that it's not healthy to pine after a fictional character. Yes, there are actors and singers and public figures I'd bend over for in a HEARTBEAT, were it just about the physical attractiveness or their looks or their voice...

I do not do relationships well. Self-doubt, insecurity, paranoia... they all eat away at me and eventually I convince myself that I feel more for him than he does for me, or vice versa, or that he's just humoring me, or that oh hey that guy's cute too... and then I end it, because I don't feel it's fair to keep acting like nothing's wrong when EVERYTHING'S wrong, and because I don't want him to get too attached to me.

When it comes to giving someone that much influence over me, I am not a stable safe person at all. None of my relationships have ended well, and they've never been ended by the other involved party.

This just occurred to me recently when I realized that I keep inventing "feelings" for people just so I can get that feeling. Luckily, the most recent person this happened with is now beyond my reach and hopefully cutting me out of their life, at least a little. It's safer that way and maybe we can go back to being friends.

-x-

I think that's about all for today... I still need to finish writing the post I was going to type on Thursday after babysitting. I might get that done by next Wednesday... *eyerolls at self*

At any rate, happy July 25th to everyone - five months till Christmas! <3