Ramblings.

I suppose I'm going to write about... emotions. Feelings. Thoughts. People. Myself, and others. The way the world seems to me.

-x-

I've noticed a perturbing pattern - a slight double standard, if you like. I don't. It bothers me that I'm criticizing people for something that I feel I do. At any rate, the pattern. I personally cannot tell when people are joking. Almost every time I assume they are, they're not, and so I decided it was safer to treat every statement like it's serious unless I'm uncomfortable, in which case I play it off as a joke. But. People get irritated when I take their joking statements seriously, or at least they try to explain how to tell when they're joking. So why is it that when *I* try to make a joke or tease someone, they fly off the handle at me?

It's frustrating. I try to gently tease a friend and they wind up mad at me. But when people tease ME and I get upset, they get defensive and all "WTF it was a JOKE" at me and then I guilt and apologize.

Am I doomed to be the one apologizing in every altercation?

And all my friends yell at me for apologizing. I'm confused and slightly hurt - I don't like making my friends mad at me, and I don't know how to fix it.

-x-

On a slightly related note, I've been noticing another pattern. The people I feel I'm closest to - friends I talk to frequently, family - seem to have an incredibly short fuse where I'm concerned. My sister acts irrationally, I get even SLIGHTLY bristly, and my mom flips - at me. My friends snark at me, confuse me, tell me only where I'm messing up...

In fairly vivid contrast, a brief anecdote. I work at a gym in my town, maybe a mile from my high school. Where I live, I went to a different junior high than almost everyone else at my high school, so I have contacts at both high schools. This morning, one of the people who came in for the class recognized me and chatted briefly. Turns out I went to junior high with her. I expressed my anxiety and overall uncertainty about senior year this fall and she replied that I'll be fine; I'm smart and will do just fine.

This is not the first time this has happened to me, I'll admit. I seem to have managed to leave a decent impression on people with whom I used to go to school... but you know, it still kind of startles me. I'm flattered that Maddi even remembered me - we weren't ever very close; and even more flattered that she seems to have such confidence in me.

The unwitting generosity of a near-stranger. I wonder if she knows how much that meant to me...

-x-

On a completely unrelated tangent, I seem to be afraid of falling for someone I can actually have. Whenever I start developing even vague feelings for someone, it's someone I don't know, someone I'd never stand a chance with, someone with whom I'd be doomed from the start... but at the same time, I don't crush on actors or singers or public figures or anyone like that. I firmly grasp the idea of untouchability, and I understand that movie stars are NOT their characters and that it's not healthy to pine after a fictional character. Yes, there are actors and singers and public figures I'd bend over for in a HEARTBEAT, were it just about the physical attractiveness or their looks or their voice...

I do not do relationships well. Self-doubt, insecurity, paranoia... they all eat away at me and eventually I convince myself that I feel more for him than he does for me, or vice versa, or that he's just humoring me, or that oh hey that guy's cute too... and then I end it, because I don't feel it's fair to keep acting like nothing's wrong when EVERYTHING'S wrong, and because I don't want him to get too attached to me.

When it comes to giving someone that much influence over me, I am not a stable safe person at all. None of my relationships have ended well, and they've never been ended by the other involved party.

This just occurred to me recently when I realized that I keep inventing "feelings" for people just so I can get that feeling. Luckily, the most recent person this happened with is now beyond my reach and hopefully cutting me out of their life, at least a little. It's safer that way and maybe we can go back to being friends.

-x-

I think that's about all for today... I still need to finish writing the post I was going to type on Thursday after babysitting. I might get that done by next Wednesday... *eyerolls at self*

At any rate, happy July 25th to everyone - five months till Christmas! <3

... *snuffles like a sentimental idiot*.

To all my family and friends. To all my friends who I consider family. To all the people who crawled out of the woodwork over the last... 18-ish hours.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you. <3 Thank you all. <3

I posted the link to yesterday's blog, originally, for my closer friends who know I've been seeing a counselor for emotional issues since, um, Spring Break. Like, April-ish. Just, you know, so that they would know what's coming down the pipeline. I don't like not saying things - it makes me feel like I'm deliberately withholding information and I try very hard not to do that. I also don't like advertizing things like this - it makes me feel like I'm just looking for attention and I try even HARDER not to do that.

But...

The response I got...

*sniffles more, a little choked up*

I love you guys all so much.

I can't possibly say thank you enough.

<3

More self-centered flailage.

So. Last night. I had an appointment with, as I refer to her, my "not-Megan." At my actual like body-doctor's suggestion, we've spent about the last month and a half doing testing for ADHD. Um. So. Last night. The results came back.

It's likely that I have the inattentive form of ADHD, combined with a mild form of depression called dysthymia.

I don't know what this means for now, for the future, for my relationships with any of you. I just... I needed to say it, and this was as good a way as any - better than some; this way I just type it once and give people the link. ;) <-- Me trying to make this not as scary and nervous-making as it is...

Dr Collett said that we can do several things, depending on what Dr Anderson says. We can send me to some sort of psychotherapy thing that'll teach me how to think like a normal person? I think? The dysthymia manifests itself as a lowered sense of self-worth -

Slight tangent. I don't feel like I have a lowered sense of self-worth. I just don't feel comfortable applying my standards to other people. I think that I have room for improvement; I think that it's not my place to decide that you need to improve yourself. To me, that makes sense, and I don't get why people don't understand that that's NOT lowered self-worth or whatever, that's just me.

Anyhoo. - lowered sense of self-worth, a lack of energy in general, and stuff like that. The inattentive ADHD is more common among girls, but is usually detected later...

I don't know how I should feel about this. I'm glad we have something of a potential answer for what's wrong with me, but... I'm nervous that it's not the *right* answer or that it IS all in my head after all.

>.<

FYI. I love you all no matter what. <3

Flattery, trust, and the German language.

I received a highly flattering piece of correspondence this A.M. As you may know, when I'm at work I have next to nothing to do. Therefore I lurk on Facebook and Gmail and wherever else strikes my passing fancy, for however long I'm at work.

Today, this morning, not an hour ago, I received possibly the hugest ego-boost EVAR. And I know I spelled that "hacker" style. That's to show my absolute shock at getting this message.

The only person younger than me (by a school year) (well, one of several) asked me if I'd write a story with him.

...

I KNOW. 0.0

He said he likes my writing style and it's similar to his favorite author's, and that he'd like to write with me sometime.

So.

'Flattery' addressed.

Talking to another roleplayer, this one posting as Fullmetal Alchemist's Van Hohenheim. He's fascinating - I'm teaching someone who roleplays Scar (also FMA) German (hence the German language tag) and Hohenheim asked if I'd mind teaching him as well. So he and I struck up a conversation and - voila! Another internet friend. The 'trust' heading came into play when I gave him my email address in case my overview of German basics didn't make sense. He expressed shock that I would trust a complete stranger with that; I expressed bewilderment - it's just my email address.

Heh. Anyhoo. Roleplaying with a friend now. ^_^

Friends, part 2.

Considering the vast numbers of people who read and comment on this (), I feel it only fair to re-address my Friends. post from, um, sometime last week, I think.

I believe I've gotten all my weird-ness in regards to Fraulein Hawkeye sorted out; I have gained a younger sister. But - more would be telling. ;)

Suffice to say, I believe I'm coming to terms with internet friends. <3

A brief semi-fictional interlude.

Listening to the air whistle past me, I sighed. It had happened again; just when I least expected it, I tripped on a sidelong glance, stumbled over a smile, and tumbled head-over-heels after my heart.

I sighed again. After the last time, I'd thought I'd learned my lesson: the boy I'd fallen for that time had... well, I didn't even like to think about how he'd treated me.

The air continued to whistle past my ears. I was getting a little tired of it; couldn't the ground hurry up and get here? I had other things to do, and it would take a while to piece myself back together.

Gradually I felt the warmth that signaled imminent landing. I braced myself, ready to splatter...

... and felt flesh, instead of rocks. Warm arms surrounded me, welcomed me; I heard wingbeats and felt myself carried back up, higher than I'd fallen from.

Of course they'd call it falling in love - it hurts to sprawl flat on your face, doesn't it? The initial adrenaline rush is the same. But when you're caught...

When the one you fell for catches you...

... you can let yourself fall again. And again.

They'll be there, every time.

Technology.

A brief tale of my cell phone escapades.

On the night of January 29/30th, I fell asleep with an open can of Fresca in my hand and my cell phone in my pocket, as usual. The cell phone is usual, not the Fresca. >_< When I woke up several hours later (this was at Kaitie's birthday party, which was a sleepover, so this probably all happened on the morning of the 30th), my leg was cold and wet and - this is the *facepalm* part - the can of soda was still mostly full and in my hand, right way up.

I went home, and decided to try to dry out my phone. Even though it was on the other side of me from the soda, it still got - how should I put this - it was still affected. >_< Much to my chagrin. In the process of drying out the battery casing area, I accidentally snagged one of the wires that connected to the SD card. This KILLED my phone, I realize now.

For the rest of the day, my phone would not hold a charge and was obscenely slow to respond. I was afraid it had gone senile. I FINALLY figured out that if I pulled out the memory card, it would function again. This caused me to lose all of my music, some five hundred plus songs.

Flash forward to late May early June. Now my phone has taken to turning itself off while it's charging, and doesn't like taking or making calls. For every fifteen minutes I spend on the phone, roughly, I lose a quarter of my battery life. Except for while I'm actually MAKING the call; then for every THREE minutes I lose a quarter of the available battery. Once I hang up, the battery starts recovering (very very slowly) until it's back up at 3/4 or full impulse power.

Skip ahead two weeks, to the morning of June 24. My phone, which I almost always keep on while it's charging, was off when I woke up. And it wasn't displaying the charging-battery icon thing. Last time this happened, it was a power outage and EVERYTHING was off. Or at least inactive. However, my clock radio was still functioning and my desk light turned on. My phone would not.

I took it out to the Verizon store (will address that later). The first thing they asked me was, "Did you try taking the battery out and putting it back in?" For the record, that was my first 'instinct' and I did it upwards of ten times myself. The guy then asked me if he could see my phone; I handed it over; he pulled the battery out and slid it back in. My first thought: I did that. Like, a LOT. WTF?

Then I got to the tech support desk. That guy went through the same procedure: he asked me the stupid question, did the EXACT SAME THING, and for some reason it worked for him. >_>

THEN Friday morning, the same thing happened. My phone was off and unresponsive. I fiddled with the battery a little bit and got it to turn on. Then, while I was at Hot Shots waiting for Teddy to finish up with Cross Country, it shut down, leaving me stranded.

So a VERY long story short, I believe some of the soda shorted out the battery (yes, almost 6 months later; IDK how that happened), as my LG Chocolate 3 is now dead. Completely. RIP Chocolate. The good news: I got an early upgrade, and am now the proud (?) owner of a Samsung Reality. Still with Verizon. The bad news: my parents have to shell out $50 for a phone with more intelligence than the computers that ran the space program ten years ago. More good news: One of those fees goes to phone internet access, which is (bad news) no longer optional, my poor parents' bank account... and I have unlimited texting to other Verizon phones. So. Technology marches on, confusing and confounding me as always.

Side note on the Verizon store: slight rant. Since when do you have to SIGN IN to a STORE?! It used to be you just waited in line for your turn and someone got to you in due time. You knew you would eventually be helped, and people were polite and didn't cut in line. NOW, evidently, you sign in on this silly touchscreen computer thing and they call your name when it's your turn. And the entire time, your name is up on the overhead screen showing your place in line and what you're going to be helped with! AND they want your phone number when you sign in! Am I the only one who thinks this is slightly more than creepy? I do NOT like the idea of anyone I don't directly know tracking my movements, and it's aggravating enough that my parents keep such tight tabs on me.

Also: more ranting. Phones in general. TELEPHONES are to be used to CALL PEOPLE. Not check email. Not send little mini phone-emails. Not check Youtube. Not draw. WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?! I am not a technophobe; I'm really not. I appreciate the convenience of texting. But! Are there no SIMPLE cell phones left anymore? I miss my Chocolate. The QWERTY slidey keyboard on my Reality confuses me; it's too small to be of any proper use... oh well. It's not entirely bad. I just set up my email on it.

... *absorbed in internet phone*

Friends.

I have a good many close friends. I'm very lucky in this. My friends are supportive, unique, and caring people and I'm unbelievably fortunate that they decide to talk to me. ♥

So. Now that we've established that I love my friends. A brief commentary.

My friends-from-the-real-world I can kind of understand. We have stuff in common. We go to the same school, or went to the same school. We did *something* and we know about each other. We know what the other looks like, sounds like.

Something I kind of have a hard time understanding fully is this: Internet friends. People whom you've never met and likely never will meet. Don't get me wrong, I have a ton of Internet friends, at least on Facebook. Most of them are Fullmetal Alchemist roleplayers, or Fruits Basket roleplayers, or people I 'met' on some discussion in some group or on a page or someplace. The ones I've actually talked to, beyond just friend'ing, I really enjoy talking to. I've 'spoken' with Envy, Edward Elric (likely several versions), Kazuma Sohma, Kyou Sohma, Hatsuharu Sohma, and Riza Hawkeye.

It is to the last that this post is tentatively dedicated. About a week ago, I got an alert on Facebook that "Riza Hawkeye" had accepted my friend request. Considering it the polite thing to do, I dropped a "How's it going?" post on her wall and figured I'd never hear from her again as is the norm for me and roleplayers. To my surprise, three hours later she posted back.

To make quite a long story short, Riza and I have been talking for a good majority of my online time since that first post, and... I don't know. I really enjoy talking with her; it's one of the high points of my day. But, the fact keeps crossing my mind: It's all fictional. It may be that I'm being completely honest and factual and stating actual details from my day-to-day life, but... her account could be as made-up as the identity she's using. This is not me saying "OMG I'm talking to a LIAR!" this is me saying... I don't know. It feels real to me, but then my brain gets involved and I'm like, "How real can it be when you're talking to a *made-up person*?"

If I was brighter I could make this interesting and relevent and smart and actually make sense. But I'm me. I don't know... this whole thing is a challenge to my optimism. I really do mean everything I've posted on Riza's wall. And I want to believe that the friendship that's developed is real, because if it isn't, what is real? I meant it when I asked her if she'd be my older sister. Isn't that real enough?

I feel kind of like a little kid, questioning reality. I don't know. I really do love my older sister, and I think that for now that's all that really matters. That's its own form of reality, isn't it? ;)

Music trawls and eggs.

Spent an obscene chunk of the afternoon searching for music. Currently hooked on Hedley and the Goo Goo Dolls - two very different bands. Also actually ate something today, omg! Decided to get off my lazy butt and actually make something... I consider it practice for fixing dinner tonight. Hmm. IDK.

So. Have just covered the 'music' and 'eggs' portions of my day... I made eggs for a very very VERY belated breakfast. And then I'm doing something with meat and orzo and alfredo sauce for dinner. IDK exactly what, yet...

Coffee and writing.

So as an aspiring writer, I've taken the initiative this summer to make time to write. Usually, as I'm also a coffee "addict", this involves me spending close to 4 bucks for a crappy cup of coffee and then lurking in the coffee shop (a) regretting the $4 and (b) trying to focus on writing.

The last time I tried to do this (Monday at Hot Shots) I ended up writing crappy fluff songfic beginning thing. I'm not sure if I'm going to finish that.

Today, though, I wrote a brief rant about coffee, corporate greed, and atmosphere, then I wrote a short to-do list (none of which I can check off yet; I still haven't eaten breakfast) and then I started yet ANOTHER draft of Starlight. Omg. I'd like to continue with that, but I dunno if I'll be able to. I'm gonna type it up later if I have time.

Hmm. Do I have anything else to talk about? Probably not... oh well. I'll try to be better about posting here, if anyone reads this. Whatever.

Signing off.

Grah.

So methinks I should NOT fill out psychiatric self-evaluation forms when in the throes of self-induced misery, perhaps. Argh. Not that it'll change my answers at all, really... mayhap psychiatric self-evals plunge me into the throes of self-induced misery. Or maybe I'm just a moron. IDK.

For those of you reading this, I feel I should preface all this with: this is not new stuff. This has been bouncing around inside my head and I really feel sick to my stomach letting it all out because inevitably this will be construed as dramah0ring and it's not that, really I promise it isn't... it's my attempts to let you guys in. And unfortunately that means spilling out some of the excess with the incision...

Argh. Stuff this. Nvm.

Blah-de-blah-blah

You already know who I am if you're reading this, I'm assuming. ^_^ I was bored, a friend of mine had just accessed this server, I wanted a new blog, blah-de-blah-blah, as the title suggests.

Bored. This won't be long. My grandparents are coming over for Memorial Day steak dinner, yum-yum.

Speaking of Yum-yum, Anthony Blanche is my HERO!!! <3 He's awesome. Google him if you don't know who he is. I'll explain more later - yummy grilled steak soon.